Married to Gratitude: A Letter to My Ex

One story concludes. Another begins. And I discover thankfulness in between.

Nov 13, 2024

Cross-post from Mindfulness Changes Lives

Many people I know are going through heartache and heartbreak. These are energetic "deaths" that the soul passes through whilst living in a body. This post may bring you comfort if you are suffering through a relationship loss. Taking responsibility for self and not blaming the other is the only real way through the pain of separation. -

Jaime Tanna

Yesterday at 2:18 pm, my 22-year marriage ended.

At the end of the virtual hearing, the magistrate’s disembodied final words were, “The court will grant the dissolution of the marriage.”

“As of now, you are divorced.”

And just like that, with no fanfare, the final punctuation was added to a story spanning nearly three decades.

Granted, I knew the day was coming.

Still, a relationship representing more than 60% of my life concluded in minutes. Its abruptness and finality caught me off guard, and I wasn’t fully prepared for the emotional wave that crashed at my shore.

But tears are nothing new for Derek 2.0. My ex and I separated almost a year ago, and I’ve cried almost every day since.

I’m fond of my salty companions, though. With them, I let go of what was and face what will be. I honor the past and lean into the future.

Now, the smoldering embers of a once-roaring fire have been extinguished, and it’s up to me and her to decide how we rise from its ashes and illuminate our separate paths forward.

Sure, this is sad. And painful. And chock-full of regrets.

But it’s also transformative. And beautiful. And filled with magic.

May this letter honor our story—and its denouement.

To My Dearest Partner,

I’m so sorry.

During the last few years of our marriage, I wasn’t reachable when you needed me the most.

I was consumed by depression’s darkness, only existing as a shell. On many, many occasions, I left you to fend for yourself physically, emotionally, and psychologically.

Over the past 11 months, as I’ve acclimated to life above depression’s fog and come to clear-eyed terms with these misdeeds, I’ve apologized to you. A lot. And there is almost certainly more to come.

However, divorces are about new beginnings.

So, instead of focusing on the ‘bad’ that led us here, in this letter, I choose to celebrate—and express—my present and future gratefulness for you:

Thank you for bringing into existence the two most empathetic, in-tune humans gracing this planet. Like you, they are light, embodied.

Thank you for keeping their lanterns lit, even as my darkness was extinguishing yours.

Thank you for protecting them from the worst of my struggles. For maintaining balance in their world while never knowing what to expect in yours.

Thank you for being their superhero and molding them into the wise young women they are today. You are their perfectly imperfect example—the ultimate role model—of how to thrive in this terrifyingly beautiful world.

Thank you for somehow always making it work, even when the odds seemed insurmountable.

Thank you for cheering me on, even when you were the only fan in the bleachers.

Thank you for letting me know my mental health struggles were a problem. And thank you for allowing the immense suffering they caused to expand your capacity for compassion.

Thank you for the thousands of hours of conversations over the years. Some deep. Some lighthearted. All fulfilling.

Thank you for being my travel companion as we moved from state to state. Wherever we found ourselves, we always had each other. You were my sounding board.

Thank you for the looks that spoke a thousand words.

For the burning passion.

Thank you for millions of smiles, and laughing so hard we peed ourselves.

Thank you for all the snuggles. The hugs. The singing. And the head rubs (even if they were terrible 😘).

Thank you for the teamwork. The high fives.

Thank you for the burnt pans and the fire alarms.

Thank you for being my partner.

Thank you for being you.

Last but certainly not least, thank you for having the courage to speak up when you reached your limit. Thank you for modeling precisely what the girls should do if (or, more accurately, when) they eventually face any relationship that no longer serves their fundamental needs.

When we first separated last December, I thought you’d given up.

Viewed through the lens of a year later, however, I see it’s the exact opposite: you dared to release clinging, open each of us to the unknown, and embrace the pain it takes to learn about our authentic selves.

While I thank you for all the gifts you’ve given me over the decades, this was perhaps your most compassionate.

Your unabashed fearlessness was one of the first things I admired—and eventually loved—about you.

You always were, and continue to be, the bravest person I know. I hope you never lose that compass. And I hope you never allow your light to dim again.

Thank you.

Thank.

You.

The page has now turned.

Onward and upward we go, as we consciously write our new, independent stories.

May your light continue shining brightly on all who cross your path.

With infinite gratitude and love,

Derek